Lavender's Dungeon

I remember when you told me

you’d haunt my dreams forever

They used to come every night

getting less consistent as time passed

At first they’d be nightmares

I would claw at my ears

begging you to stop screaming

hitting myself to wake up

paralyzed in fear

tears flowing

like rain down a car window

—

As I made peace with our ending

I invested everything in my job

took time away from dating

I grew from a broken little girl

into a woman who knew herself

I would give into my fears now and again

doing stupid shit to show you

how bad you hurt me

to remind you

—

Now I don’t

I traveled solo to Costa Rica

took up another language

spoke to people who knew

more about the world than me

more about love and loss

I outgrew all my friends

I spent so much time alone

that now,

I cringe at the woman I used to be

even a year ago

I got to know my brain

got diagnosed with ADHD

got the right medication

and I am finally happy

but the dreams still come and go

—

last night I dreamt of you

maybe for the last time

the closure I’ve been searching for

I was roaming the streets of London

it was a hot summer night

So humid I couldn’t breathe

what was I doing here?

People stared as I frantically searched

for a familiar face

only to see you

looking at me

in so much pain

you had grown into a man

as you came closer I reached out

cradled your face in my palm

like I used to

years and years ago

and for the first time

you didn’t yell

you didn’t spit at me

and finally

finally

I let you go

Lavender Dustan

7/16/22