Lavender's Dungeon

All my life

I thought

I understood

love

I believed I was capable

of filling empty spaces

in between

the bones

and flesh

of another

I believed

I was

good enough

Yet

every time

I gave my all

to a man

I lost

a piece

of myself

Love must be true

it must keep

a steady course

of irrevocable

transparency

Everything I had

I laid out before these men

and I let them

pick at me

like a flock of seagulls

until I was fragmented

And just when it was time

to toss in the uniform

to retire to my loneliness

my dark room of

blank walls

You showed up

treating me with a kindness

That never felt so genuine

You want my body

not as a toy

but as a vessel

that keeps a steady

course

pointing straight towards you

But

I feel I must change course

for I am too broken

for you

I’m scared

that I will never love you

like you deserve

I can

never trust again

I can never

become fully vulnerable

because every time

you leave my place

I will wonder

how many women

you want

women that are capable

women that aren’t tainted

by their demons

by the ghost of

men that told me

they loved me

told me so many things

about myself

But I know myself

I’m seeking therapy

I want to be whole for you

Please

be patient

understand that within me

there is a world of love

trust

vulnerability

I am ready to swim

in deep water

for you

if you’ll have me

Lav

6/23/2020